Keigo is my Enemy

"Conners-san, can you come here for a minute?" Mr. Sato asked.

Takumi put his finger into his collar and stood up. He went to the boss's desk at the front. A meeting with the boss at the end of the day was never good. His co-workers quickly looked back at their desks, pretending they couldn't hear this.

"Yes, sir. What is it?" Takumi asked.

Mr. Sato gave Takumi a folder. "The CEO, Mr. Hayabashi, is coming here next week for a presentation. I'd like you to lead it," he said.

Takumi heard Shun gasp.

"Me!" Takumi licked his lips. "Are you sure it's a good idea?"

"Of course," said Mr. Sato. "Your Japanese has improved a lot in the last year, and I think you're ready."

"Okay, boss-sama," Takumi said.

Mr. Sato laughed. "Don't call me that. It's too strange," he said.

Takumi turned red and went back to his desk.

"At least he didn't call the director 'buddy' again," Takumi heard Shun whisper to Nozomi at the next desk. They were all connected, so it was easy. She laughed.

"Oh, man," Takumi said in English and took out his phone. "I need help."

✦

"So let me get this straight." Daichi leaned back in the café chair. "You have to give a report in front of the CEO, and you're afraid of messing everything up."

"That's right." Takumi slapped the table, knocking some sugar packets out of the condiment stand. "The CEO has a reputation for politeness. There is a rumour that he fired a person last year for using casual words in a presentation."

"I'm sure it's not true." Kaoru put sugar packets back. "That would make it a Black Company."

Yui put three cups of coffee down on the table. She looked back at the counter. Mrs. Takeda was busy with a customer. "Did you practice your keigo?" she asked.

"Of course I did," said Takumi. "However, I still call my boss by the wrong name sometimes."

Yui smiled. "So do I," she said and winked. "Mrs. Takeda's pretty relaxed, though. I'll help you out after my shift," she said and went back to the counter.

"I'll help you out now," said Daichi. "Pretend I'm your boss."

"Okay," said Takumi, sitting up straighter.

"How would you talk to me?" Daichi asked, pretending to adjust his tie.

Takumi sat up straight and bowed to Daichi. "Good afternoon, sir. I humbly welcome you to listen to my presentation," he said.

Daichi nodded. "Continue."

Kaoru tried to hide a smile behind a napkin and failed. Takumi was too serious.

"At the end of my report, I humbly request that you ask me any questions that you may have," Takumi said. He leaned back and sighed. "How's that?"

Daichi tapped his chin. "I have no idea. I hate keigo and never use it."

Takumi threw a napkin at him. "You're no help."

"Take a deep breath and ignore the peanut gallery," said Kaoru, looking at Daichi. "What do you mean by humbly?" she asked Takumi.

"Humble? It means that I am happy that the CEO is here listening to my speech," said Takumi.

"Yes, but it is too polite," said Kaoru. "The only people who speak like that are samurai in the old period dramas," she said.

Takumi turned red.

"You were watching some of them, weren't you?" Kaoru asked.

"Yes," said Takumi. "They were interesting."

Kaoru shook her head. "Give your whole presentation. I want to hear it."

Takumi pulled out his notes and took a deep breath. "It's about five minutes long. Is that okay?" he asked.

"Don't worry about it," said Kaoru.

Takumi read from his notes. When he finished, he leaned back and sighed.

Daichi yawned.

"It was pretty good. I could understand your data quite easily. However, you were stopping every few sentences to think of the right word. There were also a few places where you backtracked, repeating the same thing, but in a different way. It made your presentation hard to follow," said Kaoru.

"I'm okay with the data." Takumi rubbed the back of his neck. "It's the discussions and questions that I'm worried about."

"If this were in English, what would you do?" asked Kaoru.

"That's easy," said Takumi. "Polite English is a piece of cake compared to keigo." He pulled out a notebook. It said 'Keigo' on the cover. He opened it to a page covered in notes. "What if I use something like 'gozonji desu ka' when I want to say 'goran ni narimasu'?"

"Well, the first one means 'to know' and the second one means 'to look at'," said Kaoru.

"I know that, but I keep mixing them up with my boss. I can't do that during the presentation," said Takumi.

"You could write them down on your hand?" said Daichi. "Or just call everybody sama. It's really polite."

Kaoru patted Daichi's knee. "You're not helping, Dai-chan," she said.

"Hey," Daichi said, looking hurt.

"You know it's true," said Kaoru.

"Fair enough. I'll go and talk with Yui." Daichi went over to the counter and started talking with Yui and Mrs. Takeda.

Kaoru looked at Takumi. "You helped me with my English presentation last year. Do you remember what you said?"

Takumi nodded. "You sounded flat, and the sentences were really dry," said Takumi. His eyes went wide. "Did I sound the same way?"

Kaoru nodded. "Practice will help you improve, but that's not the only thing you need."

The silence stretched out. "Well? What is it?" asked Takumi.

"You need to relax, and don't listen to Daichi. When is the CEO coming?" she asked.

"Next week," said Takumi. "I still need to add some survey data to the presentation. The questionnaire went out today."

"Then you have time. Yui and I will help. Get your co-workers to help you, too," she said. "Your boss wants you to give a good presentation. He won't throw you under the bus."

"I hope not," said Takumi, closing his book. "But I don't know about Shun. I think he hates me."

"How do you know?" asked Kaoru.

"It's just a feeling. He's always making fun of me." Takumi sighed.

"Talk to him," said Kaoru. "I don't think he hates you. Japanese people are often too polite, especially when they're afraid it could hurt the other person's feelings. It can seem strange to outsiders."

"I'll try," said Takumi.

✦

Takumi put down his presentation paper and looked at Mr. Sato. "How was that, boss?"

Mr. Sato was silent as he tapped his pencil on the desk. "Your presentation was good, Connors-san, but it was too casual in places." He handed Takumi a small sheet of paper. "I've marked a few of the spaces where you need to use a little more formal language."

Takumi bit his lip. "What can I do?" he asked.

"Have you given your speech to Fujii-san?" Mr. Sato asked.

"Shun? No, not yet," said Takumi.

"Ask him for help," said Mr. Sato. "He's given several presentations to Hayabashi CEO and knows the right language to use."

Takumi bowed. "Thank you, sir. I promise to do my utmost."

Mr. Sato smiled. "Best. Utmost is too formal," he said.

"Please forgive me, sir," Takumi said.

Mr. Sato nodded.

Takumi turned around and slunk back to his desk. He glanced at Shun. The other man was working on his own project.

"Excuse me, Fujii-san," Takumi said.

"Yes, Conners-san?" Shun said without looking up from his screen.

"Can you listen to my speech? I need some advice on how to make it less casual," said Takumi.

Shun leaned back in his chair. "I've already heard it, and yes, it's too casual," he said. "The best thing you can do is use the politest words you know."

"Really?" said Takumi. "I won't sound too stiff?"

"No. I heard the CEO doesn't like it when people use the wrong words. The politest words are the best." Shun turned back to his computer screen.

Back home, I'd say he was trying to get me to fail, but here, I don't know, Takumi thought. Kaoru said to trust him. "I'll give it a shot. Thanks, Shun," Takumi said. "That's a big help."

"No problem," said Shun.

Mr. Sato's phone rang. He jumped to his feet, bowing 'Yes' several times before hanging up.

"What's going on?" Takumi asked Shun.

Shun shook his head.

Mr. Sato took a deep breath and looked at Takumi. "Conners-san, your presentation has been changed. The CEO is coming tomorrow."

✦

"So, that's my problem," Takumi said to Yui. "They even moved up the meeting. I won't even have all the information until next week."

They were standing outside the convenience store, near Daichi and Kaoru's building.

Takumi gave her a bag of onigiri. "Sorry, I called you after work, but I have only one day to practice my speech, and I'm not ready. I'm dreading getting questions I can't answer."

"Let's hear what you got," said Yui, opening the bag.

Takumi said his speech. Daichi and Kaoru arrived at the convenience store in the middle, but said nothing. When he finished, Kaoru looked at Yui.

"What do you think?" Kaoru asked.

"He sounded like a dictionary," said Yui.

"But such a handsome dictionary," said Daichi.

Takumi cracked his knuckles.

Daichi stepped back and put up his hands. "Just kidding," he said.

"Yesterday's speech was better," said Kaoru. "Did you get Chappy to change it?" she asked.

"Yes. My boss said I was too casual," said Takumi, red-faced. "My co-worker, Shun, suggested that I should use the politest words I know. AI was the easiest way I knew how to do that, quickly."

"His advice is okay, but I think you went too far." Kaoru sighed. "Chappy's a good assistant, as well, but it doesn't sound like you."

"What am I going to do?" Takumi ran his hand through his hair. "I have to give the presentation tomorrow, and I'm messing up all of my words." He leaned against the convenience store wall and took out his keigo notebook.

Yui squatted next to Takumi. "Why were you chosen to give the presentation?" she asked, taking the onigiri from her bag.

"Because I know the material very well," said Takumi.

"Use that," said Yui. "Like Daichi, I'm not good with keigo. That's Ka-chan's strength."

"That's true," said Kaoru.

"I know baking," said Yui. "When you are making a delicious batch of cookies, you have to follow the recipe in the beginning, but they are boring. So, you practice, and you get better. Once that happens, you can ignore the recipe and make your own kind of cookies."

Takumi scratched his head.

"Do you like my cookies?" Yui sighed.

"Of course I do," said Takumi.

"Do you know why they are so delicious?" asked Yui.

Takumi thought for a moment.

"Because you put a lot of chocolate in them," said Daichi suddenly. He squatted next to Yui.

Yui pushed Daichi over. "No, because they are mine. I follow the recipe, but add my own taste to them," said Yui. "You can study the recipe every day, but trusting yourself is always the best choice."

"I'm going to call you Yui-Mama," said Kaoru, smiling.

Yui puffed out her cheeks.

Kaoru smiled and turned to Takumi. "I think I get it," she said. "You can study keigo every day, and still stress over your decisions. That's what I do," she said.

"But you love stress," said Daichi.

Kaoru glared at Daichi. "Mistakes will still happen. Relax. Take a deep breath. Trust the data and do your best."

"What happens if I accidentally call the CEO something insulting?" asked Takumi. "He has a bad reputation."

"You can come work for me," said Daichi, sitting back up. "I need somebody to run to the store and get my coffee."

Takumi pushed him over the other way.

"Your Japanese is good, Ta-kun," said Yui. "Trust yourself."

"Yes," said Kaoru. "Your speech yesterday was pretty good. Use that one and trust the data."

"Are you sure?" Takumi asked.

"Yes," Yui and Kaoru said together.

Daichi stood up and brushed off his pants. "If that doesn't work, just say 'o' or 'go' in front of every word," he said.

Takumi cracked his knuckles again.

✦

Takumi walked into the meeting room, hiding a yawn.

"What's wrong, Conners-san?" asked Mr. Sato.

"Sorry, sir. I didn't sleep very well," said Takumi, taking a sip of coffee. "I was reviewing my keigo." He held up a notebook. "I think I'll be okay."

"That's good," said Mr. Sato. "Good luck with the presentation."

Takumi put his notebook and coffee on his desk.

Shun was sitting next to Takumi. He stretched and hit the desk, knocking over Takumi's cup. Coffee spilled over the connected desks.

"Oh no! I'm so sorry, Conners-san," said Shun, picking up the cup. "I'll clean it up. Is your notebook okay?"

Takumi bit his lip and shook his head. "No. It's covered in coffee. I can't use this in the meeting," he said.

"Is it important?" Shun got some towels.

Takumi took a deep breath. "I guess not. I'm baking without a recipe now," he said.

"Huh?" said Shun.

"Nothing. Let me help you clean it up," said Takumi.

✦

Mr. Hayabashi, the CEO, was an older man. He arrived suddenly in a perfect suit and styled hair. "Good afternoon, Sato-san. It's good to see you again," he said.

Takumi stood with the rest of the office, bowing to the CEO.

"We weren't expecting you until later, Hayabashi CEO," said Mr. Sato.

"I have a second appointment at three, so I came here a bit early," said Mr. Hayabashi. "Is everything ready?"

"Yes. This is Conners-san," said Mr. Sato. "He'll be giving the presentation."

"I look forward to hearing it," said Mr. Hayabashi.

"Thank you, sir," Takumi said, bowing deeply.

When the CEO left, Takumi straightened.

Shun moved closer to him. "Your bow was too low," he said. "Next time, only bend like this." He held his arm at a forty-five-degree angle.

"Ah, man," Takumi said quietly.

✦

"Any questions?" asked Takumi. The air conditioner was on, but sweat rolled down his back. He grabbed the back of his chair to support himself.

"The data was very clear, thank you. However, could you tell me what you are going to do about the missing customer responses, Conners-san?" asked Mr. Hayabashi. "They weren't in your report."

Takumi swallowed. He hadn't practiced this part. "The customer responses are great, Mr. Hayabashi. The product is selling like hot cakes," he said.

"Explain what you mean by 'hot cakes'. Why wasn't that in the presentation?" Mr. Hayabashi leaned back in his chair.

Takumi bit his tongue. Why did I say 'hot cakes'? Shun was covering a smile.

"Well, Hayashi-san-sama," Takumi said.

Shun's smile grew bigger. Mr. Sato raised an eyebrow.

Takumi closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Trust the data.

"Sorry, sir. Keigo is difficult," Takumi said. "The customer responses will be available next week. We sent out a survey three days ago by e-mail, but it's not due back until next week."

"Why is that?" asked Mr. Hayabashi.

Takumi took another deep breath. "Because the meeting was changed suddenly, we don't have the responses right now."

Shun's eyes went as big as coffee cups, and he looked at the CEO.

Takumi moved through the slides until he found the right one. "As you can see, I included a temporary report showing the informal feedback we have received."

Mr. Hayabashi looked at his report. "Good. I expect an update when everything is ready."

"Of course, Hayabashi-sama," Takumi said. His face went even redder. Why did I say that?

Mr. Hayabashi stood up. With each step, he came closer to Takumi. The air pushed down on him.

"Relax, son. The rumours are not true. I won't fire you for making a mistake with your speech," Mr. Hayabashi said,

"You won't?" said Takumi.

"I was young, once. I made many mistakes when I first started." Mr. Hayabashi switched to clear English. "Besides, you are from America. They don't have keigo there. It must be even harder for you."

Takumi nodded, but said nothing. When did he learn English?

"Keep up the good work, and I expect the completed numbers next week," said Mr. Hayabashi back in Japanese.

"Of course." Takumi took Mr. Hayabashi's hand and shook it.

The CEO drew back, surprised.

Mr. Sato crossed his arms in an X.

The only choice is forward. Takumi gave a shaky smile.

"It's been a few years since I've done this." Mr. Hayabashi covered Takumi's hand and shook it. "I've missed it."

The CEO leaned forward and spoke in English again. "I think you scared Sato."

"I think so too," Takumi replied in English. He opened the door and bowed as the CEO left the room. Sato rushed out behind him.

Shun sat in his chair and stared straight ahead. "I don't believe that happened," he said. "I thought the CEO would get really angry."

Takumi smiled.

✦

"So, everything worked out?" asked Kaoru.

Takumi nodded.

Yui set three cups of coffee on the table. "I'm glad to hear that," she said.

Daichi took a cup. "So, you are a keigo master now?" he asked.

"No, but I followed Yui's advice and was myself," said Takumi. "I'm still going to practice keigo, but I'm not going to stress about it anymore."

"That's good." Yui put her hands on her hips. "You should always follow my advice."

"Yes. Besides, Kaoru is the one who loves stress," said Daichi.

"Dry up!" Kaoru threw her hand towel at Daichi.

Takumi laughed and drank his coffee.